


all your conspiracy theories i won't believe

by tangentiallly



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Gen, Moral Ambiguity, background georgina/esme, firestarter gathering, implied past ernest/bertrand, speculations (from esme) of how vfd volunteers used children, speculations (from esme) of some darker intentions of vfd volunteers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22649341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangentiallly/pseuds/tangentiallly
Summary: Esme proposed a theory to Ernest.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	all your conspiracy theories i won't believe

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own ASOUE

“Wait,” Esme stopped Ernest just as he was about to leave. Olaf and that guy with hooks he newly recruited into his theater troupe were already on their way heading out, although Georgina was still sitting beside Esme. Esme kissed Georgina on the cheeks briefly, before saying, “Darling, why don’t you wait outside and let me talk to him about what I told you I need to ask him about.”

Georgina shrugged, impassive. “Fine. I don’t want to get involved in that messy theory you’re brewing anyway.”

“I have no idea what it is, but I already feel the same way, I do _not_ want to get involved,” Ernest said determinedly.

“You’re not allowed to just _say_ that when you’re in a position to know many information from the other side,” Esme huffed in annoyance. She looked at him with what he supposed was either supposed to be intimidating or alluring so she could get what she needed from him. God, he couldn’t stand actresses. They always thought they could just get what they want. Information, fans, applause from the crowd, wings, other people’s ex-boyfriends, etc.

Georgina just looked bored. “While I have no interest in getting involved - particular in this business about Olaf - I will say the extent I’m willing to be involved is hypnotizing the information out of Mr Hotel Manager here and then we can all go our merry way.”

“Very funny, Dr. Orwell,” Ernest rolled his eyes.

“I can handle him on my own, Georgina,” Esme frowned. “You know I’m capable.”

Georgina shrugged, standing up. “I’ll be waiting outside then.”

Ernest watched her leave just so he didn’t have to turn his eyes back on Esme immediately and face whatever she might want to ask him.

“I’ll get to the point then,” Esme said, suddenly business like. “I heard about Beatrice and Bertrand having a daughter, is she really theirs?”

“ _What?_ What do you mean, if she’s really theirs?” 

“Because I don’t think she is.”

“You think they kidnapped an infant?” Ernest frowned. “Doesn’t VFD only kidnap children into training and apprenticeship, instead of to be raised in a family?”

“Wow, you’re familiar with this,” Esme murmured.

“First hand experience,” Ernest said rather flatly. “And if you really believed they kidnapped that girl to raise, why are you asking _me_ about it?”

“Oh, don’t be silly, your twin is on _their_ side, of course you must’ve heard some discussions about it if that were the case, it’s simple deduction,” Esme drawled. “But actually that’s not what I meant. I don’t think they just picked off a kid off the street or something. I meant, I think that child’s Snicket’s.”

Ernest arched an eyebrow. _This_ was the messy theory Georgina Orwell didn’t want to get involved in? A popular rumor?

“Kit Snicket,” Esme clarified, and Ernest’s jaw dropped.

“ _Excuse me_? And with whom, dare I ask - ”

“Olaf, obviously,” Esme said impatiently. “Try to keep up.”

He now knew why the optometrist said this was too messy of a theory for her to want to be involved in. Georgina Orwell did not care for conspiracy theories in the rumor mill, she just wanted to gain money and control via the way of hypnosis, simple and straightforward. Ernest supposed Esme must look objectively gorgeous as a woman so much for Georgina put up with all these - not that he actually tried to understand these two much.

“Look, don’t pretend you don’t know about what happened at La Forza del Destino, I know you do,” Esme said sharply. “Obviously they’re after his fortune. But Snicket and Olaf didn’t get married, so she couldn’t actually get it if he were to die in an ‘accident’ next.”

Esme actually raised her hands and imitated the quotation marks with her fingers when she said “accident”. _Fucking actresses_.

After moving on from his annoyance at Esme’s gesturing quotation marks, the implications of what she was saying hit him. “Oh god, you think Snicket got pregnant on purpose and Olaf never knew, and -” he couldn’t continue. This was beyond absurd. Absolutely preposterous. Because sure, Ernest could believe that Kit Snicket was a ruthless woman who would do anything her precious fucking organization instructed her to, even if that included deliberately getting pregnant and using a literal child to get a large fortune if needed. He could believe that, perhaps. But the rest of what Esme was getting at - that Beatrice and Bertrand were involved and were going to raise this child while pretending as their own, and use her to acquire Olaf’s family fortune once they killed Olaf too - was simply impossible. The most preposterous concept ever, to suggest that _Bertrand_ would do something like this.

Ernest did not believe that Bertrand would ever do something like this. Call him biased or whatever, but he liked to think he knew Bertrand, knew who he really was, knew what he would and wouldn’t do.

He refused to believe that Bertrand would be capable of something like this.

Granted, he used to never know Bertrand could kill, either, but the opera night was - somehow still explainable if he tried to make sense of it under the lense of “they did it because VFD told them O’s parents were criminals and they thought they were doing the right thing”. Like, obviously it wasn’t the right thing, but it was possible they could’ve been brainwashed into believing that.

Using an actual child like that for the sole purpose of monetary gain - that was just too - ridiculous. Unimaginable. 

“I see you’re piecing the clues together,” Esme said loftily.

“This is insane,” Ernest managed. “It’s impossible. How do you even -”

“Trust me, I know the kind of woman who would do anything to get her hands on a large fortune from a man, and Snicket - why else would she like _Olaf_ , of all people?”

Ernest remembered Esme’s marriage to Jerome. “Takes one to know one?”

Esme smiled, sweetly insincere. “Jerome and I are happily married.”

“You’re having an affair with Georgina,” Ernest pointed out.

“Details, details,” Esme waved, impatient. “Let’s focus on what’s important here.”

“Listen, you’re very imaginative, but actually, Beatrice _did_ get pregnant, so your theory is pointless.”

“Or did she? She got pregnant on an island, and none of us saw.” Esme retorted. “Was there actual proof she got pregnant?”

“Yes,” Ernest said coolly. “After they got back, Bertrand sent some pictures of them on the island to Dewey. I saw them. She was visibly pregnant.” Actually, he did not see the pictures himself. He couldn’t bear seeing them, not when he still missed Bertrand so much. But Esme’s theory was so ridiculous it had to be untrue, so Ernest was sure that the photograph would reveal that Beatrice was pregnant, anyway. Esme didn’t need to know the little details like Ernest hadn’t actually seen the pictures himself.

Esme frowned. “A stage prop, perhaps?”

Ernest sighed. “You’re just reaching now. I don’t know if you so badly want this to be true because it makes you feel better about your marriage to Jerome, or because you’re so paranoid about keeping your access to Olaf’s fortune that you’re dreaming up wild theories.” He stood up. “But either way, I have work to get done at the hotel. Tell Georgina I said goodbye.”

**Author's Note:**

> [come say hi on tumblr](https://beatricebidelaire.tumblr.com)


End file.
